Frankly, the fact that I haven't won a medal for not killing someone disappoints me.

what i predict will be my most underrated joke of all time


what i predict will be my most underrated joke of all time

(via wormstached-misha)



when they were prepping me for the surgery the nurse put one of those cloth hats over my head to keep the hair out of my face

she said “here’s your party hat”

and i was already trippin balls so I said 

"yaAAY paaaarty"

and wiggled around on the table like a gleeful slug

i think about this post sometimes and it makes me grin like a dope

(via wormstached-misha)




Yes but how do I know that you’re dating me for my heart and not for my international criminal empire

Because your international criminal empire is what you do, and not who you are.

That is so sweet I might just stab someone

(via starlightandtea)


“but you’re such a long fic,” i wept as i clicked on the x on my tab. “why can’t you be good? i was rooting for you.”

(Source: repulsor, via smallnico)


maybe university isn’t a good idea

maybe becoming a tree is a good idea

(via 01012012)


when McGonagall finds out that Ginny is pregnant, and that the Weasley and Potter bloodlines will converge, she marks on her calender the day the child will turn 11 and that is the day she retires 

(via whenthebluebellsareout)

(Source: lonewolfed, via nicodiangelone)

Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.

Henry Winter (via henrywintering)

(Source: incorrecttshquotes, via theumbrellaseller)



I think my dad heard me crying cause he just cracked open my door and slid a piece of cake on the floor into my room


(Source: prior-eaton, via pinkfloydpasta)

I guess

I disagree with you but ill let you have this one because I don’t feel like debating anymore with your simple ass (via monitormylife)

(via mattiefairchild)


Imagine your OC slamming into a sliding glass door, and another one of your OC’s laughing at them.

(via nicodiangelone)

(Source: hazellncaster, via nicodiangelone)


do u have that one person who you kinda just 

im so happy youre alive i dont care that youre miles and miles away i just love you a lot and care for you so much

(via everlastingzerociel)


Persephone as a dark and off-putting goddess who worries her mother by hanging out with satyrs and making weird stuff like pitcher plants and Venus flytraps. Hades being charmed and intimidated all at once.

(Source: harshcutieszoos, via everlastingzerociel)